


Aftermath

by Tavriel



Category: The Coldest Girl in Coldtown - Holly Black
Genre: Blood Drinking, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23853868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tavriel/pseuds/Tavriel
Summary: Tana becomes a vampire and settles into her new life.
Relationships: Tana Bach/Gavriel | Thorn of Istra
Kudos: 23





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lillith80](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillith80/gifts).



> For Lillith80, who wanted me to write a story about Tana becoming a vampire. Hope you enjoy. Sorry it took me so long.

The Decision

Tana isn't sure what's real anymore. She drifts in and out of consciousness. Her dreams are filled with fangs and dead bodies and people wearing white gowns. She dreams she has to climb a mountain and she needs her stuffed animals with her but when she reaches for them her fingers only encounter hard ground. She realizes that she isn't in her bedroom and her mind tries to tell her something, but she can't figure out what. All she's aware of is a horrible, horrible burning hunger. It feels like there's a flame inside of her that will consume her. She needs blood. She'll die if she doesn't get blood. No, she'll die if she gets blood. Why does she need blood? Something niggles at the back of her mind but she can't remember.

When she wakes up, she's curled into a ball. The ground bites into her skin. She's so cold. Why is she so cold? It's summer; it shouldn't be so cold. Tana thinks that something terrible must have happened because she's on the floor and cold and she can't remember what's real anymore. Think, she orders herself, and as the memories wash over her she wishes she didn't remember. Detoxing. Right. Tana barely remembers when she stopped realizing what was going on around her. The first few days had been fine. She'd been able to talk and read books. But then...it's funny how she can't remember a defining moment when things went to hell.

Tana tries to raise herself up but she feels like a wrung out sponge. She tries to say something, but her voice only comes out in a croak. That's right. She'd been begging for blood. Then yelling. There's a rustle of clothes and Gavriel kneels beside Tana, holding a water bottle for her to drink. Tana drinks it greedily. She finishes the water and Gavriel maneuvers Tana so that her head is in her lap. Tana feels herself go boneless. “How do you feel?” Gavriel asks. His fingers are in her hair. 

“Like shit,” Tana replies. “But I'm aware of what's going on, so I'm going to count that as a win.” 

“Pain is a strong indicator that you're alive,” Gavriel says, and Tana smiles. She focuses on the alive part. She imagines herself getting through the detox and becoming human. She imagines herself standing in the sun and going home. Tana doesn't allow herself to think about how she'll get home and how she'll fit back into her regular life after everything that's happened. But another voice, a voice brought on by the pain and screaming asks, “Wouldn't it be easier to just get some blood?”

Tana loses track of time. She's lost track of time before when she was home for summer break, but this is something new entirely. Tana isn't aware of anything except the cold and the hunger. She feels like she'll never be warm again. She feels like her bones will break apart with all the shivering she's doing. It feels like she'd frozen form the inside out. The hunger is like a monster. It threatens to consume her. Tana needs blood. She has blood. Her teeth puncture her arm and since when are her teeth so sharp? But the blood is flowing down her throat and Tana shudders. She's never tasted anything so good in her entire life. But then her arm is being wrested away from her and Tana is howling and struggling. “I need the blood,” she tries to say, but all that comes out is a hoarse “please.”

She needs the blood, she needs the blood, she needs the blood. The blood is the only thing that matters. There was a reason Tana shouldn't have the blood, but she can't remember the reason. She doesn't care about the reason. “Please,” she croaks. Someone is telling her to hang on and something about days and she really doesn't care-she just needs blood. She lunges and is promptly pinned to the ground. She screams and thrashes. A voice is murmuring to her but Tana can't understand any of the words. 

Tana feels something heavy across her lap. Her dress and hands are wet. There's a musty scent in the air. Tana looks down and sees Pearl's body. She's covered in blood. Tana can only stare uncomprehending until Pearl's features change and she finds herself surrounded by her dead and bloody classmates. But all Tana can think about is how they're covered in blood and how she needs the blood. 

Tana is back home. All she wants is to curl up into bed and take a nap, but her father is there and barring the door. Pearl is tucked behind him. Tana opens her mouth to argue with her father, but her father's hand moves and there's suddenly a stake in her chest and her strength fails. Her father is calling her a monster and Pearl is looking at Tana with fearful eyes which is worse than the stake through the heart. She wakes up screaming. The fear chokes her. She was a murderer, she murdered her classmates and her little sister. But no, that wasn't true. That couldn't be true. Is it true? Tana's dreams are full of images and she doesn't know which ones are real anymore. The only things that are real are the hunger and the cold. She looks at Gavriel. “I need blood.” But he shakes his head and Tana feels the rage consume her and curses at him. She tries to lunge at him but she can barely make herself move.

Tana dreams about her mother. She dreams of them going to hunt vampires. She dreams of throats and pulses fluttering and pressing her fangs into them. The thought makes her shudder with pleasure. In the back of her mind Tana knows she shouldn't feel like that. She tries to think about staying human, but the reasons don't make much sense anymore. In the end, she isn't sure when she gives up. Tana can vaguely remember thinking she could do this impossible thing, but as she bites into her arm again to drink her blood, the realization hits her. There isn't any going back. She turns to look at Gavriel. “I can't beat this,” she tells him. “ I need blood.” She knows she's asked for blood before, but Gavriel has always refused. 

But this time Gavriel regards her with a solemn look. “Are you sure?” he asks. There are reasons Tana can give but she can't think of them. She just knows she can't take any more of the constant cold and hunger. She can't take not knowing what's real and what's not. She can deal with everything else later. Maybe it should worry her about how Gavriel agrees to get her the blood and how she's throwing away her humanity, but Tana doesn't have room in her for those feelings or thoughts.

She isn't sure where Gavriel gets blood. But the blood is there. Tana can't even think. She's operating on pure instinct. Drinking the blood is like drinking sunlight. It's like an elixir washing away all her weaknesses. Tana knows that she's done something irreversible, but she can't bring herself to care. But then she's finishing the blood and the euphoria suddenly drains from her. She can't stop trembling. What has she done? 

Tana waits for her heart to stop beating. It reminds her of a show she watched where someone got buried alive and his teammates had an hour to find him. She thinks about a horror movie she saw where a girl got buried alive by her classmates as a prank and she died at midnight or three in the morning and now her classmates banging every night at the time she died. She doesn't feel any different when her heart stops beating. No, that's not true. She feels hunger. Tana feels like she can devour the whole world. She smells the blood and doesn't bother to question where it came from.

Conversations and Phone Calls

Tana is well aware she has a little bit of a reckless streak. Of course after her reckless stunts are over there's usually a moment where the adrenaline wears off and all the reasons why she shouldn't do something come rushing back and this time she can't ignore them. This is the worse of the bunch. She's a vampire. She'll never see her family again. She'll never eat food again or take a nap in the sunlight again or grow old. Her heart feels like it's going to beat out of her body but that's not right because she doesn't have a heartbeat. She doesn't have a heartbeat. She doesn't need to breathe and she doesn't have a heartbeat. Tana can't stop shaking. Gavriel approaches Tana with the air of someone approaching a wounded animal. “How are you?” he asks.

The anger rises up in Tana so quickly it chokes her. “This is your fault!” she snaps. “I told you not to give me blood! You didn't give me blood before! Why did you give me blood?” Tana feels like she wants to destroy the whole room. She barely realizes she isn't in the cellar anymore. Gavriel doesn't say anything and that infuriates Tana more. There really isn't anything he can say in his defense, but Tana would appreciate some effort. Tana feels like her emotions are too big for her body. Gavriel is still looking at her. “Do you want me to leave?” he asks. Tana should say yes. But the fight goes out of her and she shakes her head. Tana sinks to the ground. She reaches for the anger but its burned out.

Gavriel settles himself down beside Tana but doesn't move closer or touch her. “I know no apology will make up for what I've done,” he says. “If you want me to leave you alone, I will.” Tana shakes her head. She doesn't want Gavriel to leave. It might be messed up, but maybe Tana's been messed up for years. Tana can't feel much of anything right now. These mood swings should alarm her but they don't. 

“So is vampire biting a sort of version of a proposal?” she asks.

Gavriel smiles. “If that's the case I was in a polyamourous relationship with Lucien and Elisabet and you were in a relationship with Midnight.” Tana shouldn't laugh. She's just transformed into a vampire; she shouldn't be laughing at things. But if she's laughing at things it means she's not out there killing people. “How are you really?” Gavriel asks and Tana thinks it over. 

“I think I'm okay. I don't feel like drinking blood right at this moment. I think I'll forgive you.” Maybe it's wrong to forgive Gavriel so quickly, but Tana's not in pain and she's not cold anymore. And she'd known the odds of beating the infection. Tana remembers how lucky she's been since she woke up to find all of her classmates dead and she figures her luck was bound to run out sooner or later. It's probably poetic that her mother went Cold and now she went Cold as well. Maybe going down into that basement all those years ago had set something in motion and this was always going to be the end result. Or maybe she's overthinking things. At any rate, what's done is done.

“I suppose it was stupid of me to think I could beat this,” Tana says. 

Gavriel doesn't say anything for a minute. Then he speaks. “Can I tell you how I became a vampire?” he asks. Tana looks at him in surprise. She's always assumed that vampire backstories were something personal. But Tana can't deny that she's curious so she nods. 

Gavriel begins to talk. “You know that I was fed vampire blood by Lucien. He fed me his blood for weeks. I could feel myself growing stronger. Then one night he had a girl with him.” Tana doesn't say anything. She already knows this story won't end well. “I tried to pretend that I didn't know what the girl was for, but I couldn't lie to myself.”

“So what did you do?” Tana asks.

“I left. I thought-” Gavriel cuts himself off. “I wasn't sure what I'd thought. Just that killing someone was a line I didn't want to cross.” Tana presses herself closer to Gavriel and he slips an arm around her shoulders. 

“I stayed the night at an inn. A family ran it. I killed them all. I couldn't hear the screams when I was feeding. It's...” he trails off and looks at Tana who has gone stiff. She could kill someone. She doesn't know what she'll do when the hunger strikes her. It's more than likely she'll murder someone. She thinks of her mother knocking her down, of Aiden killing that girl and Gavriel's backstory. She remembers Gavriel telling her that vamprisim is a person as they've always been.

“I don't know what I'm going to do,” Tana says. She hopes her voice isn't shaking. 

“Horrible things,” Gavriel says, and the bluntness shouldn't make her feel better, but it does. “But that doesn't mean you'll be unloved or unforgiven.” Tana looks at him and figures that if anyone would know about that it would be him. And she still wants Gavriel with her despite knowing his past, so maybe she'll trust that Gavriel believes the same thing about her. “So what happened after you killed the inn keepers?” she asks.

“Lucien found me. I was covered in blood. I went with him.” 

“Why?” 

“He was familiar.” 

It's messed up, but it makes sense. Tana can understand people clinging to the familiar even if the familiar wasn't good for them. “I'd rather have you than Lucien,” she tells Gavriel. 

It occurs to Tana that she should call her family and Pauline. She should let them know that she isn't coming home. It hits Tana suddenly that she won't see her family or her friends again. She won't graduate from high school or take the SATS or move into a dorm with Pauline. She won't have Pearl barging into her room to show her something. She won't get to see Pearl grow up. Tana's throat burns, but she doesn't cry. “I need to call my family,” Tana says. “Can you give me a moment?” Gavriel nods and moves off. Tana wonders if that's wise. What if she gets hungry? Tana tells herself to calm down. She almost tells herself to breathe but realizes that she doesn't need to breathe anymore. And then she's remembering flight or fight responses and how it works for vampires if they don't breathe or have heartbeats.

She's stalling. Tana dials her father's number. The phone keeps ringing and Tana remembers her father telling her not to come home. He'd already assumed she'd gone Cold. What makes her think her father would even answer her call? Why is she even calling her father? But then Tana hears her father's voice. “Tana? You shouldn't be calling.” A pang of hurt goes through Tana, but she pushes it aside. She can't really expect anything different. “Dad, I-”

Her father cuts her off. “I don't want to hear it, Tana.” His voice is heavy. Tana feels her temper flare. So that's it. She's been missing for-(how long has it been?) and her classmates have been murdered and he doesn't want to hear about it? Tana wants to curse and snap, but what good would that do? The part of Tana that's been on autopilot ever since the attack can understand. She couldn't stop to grieve. She couldn't look back. It wouldn't change anything. Her father hearing what had happened wouldn't change anything. But still, it would be nice for him to show some sort of concern.

“I guess you already know that I'm not coming home,” Tana tells him. Saying it out loud makes it so final. It feels like permanently closing a door. She should say something like “I love you,” but instead she blurts out, “Take care of Pearl. You can't-you can't-” What she wants to say is that you can't get lost in your grief again. But she can't bring herself to say that to her father, especially since she knows that her father was only like that because of her. 

“I will.” For a moment neither of them says anything. Tana knows this will be the last conversation she has with her father. She should say something profound. She should say she understands how doing the right thing is difficult. She should say she forgives him and asks if he forgives her. But Tana doesn't. Instead she asks, “Can I talk to Pearl?” She shouldn't talk to Pearl. She's already said goodbye to her in person. But Tana needs to hear her voice.

Her father sighs. “That's not a good idea.” 

Tana really can't argue. Pearl already went to Coldtown because she sent a stupid text. She doesn't want to know what will happen if Tana tells her she's a vampire. “You'll tell Pearl I love her, right?” she asks, and her father says he will. There are so many things she should say, but Tana can't get the words out. In the end, she settles for a simple, “I love you. I'll miss you.” She ends the call feeling numb. 

Tana calls Pauline next. She realizes that she could have called Pearl on her cellphone, but she's a coward and doesn't want to tell Pearl that she didn't beat going Cold. And it's more than likely that Pearl is grounded after running away. Pauline answers the phone and Tana feels herself relaxing. “I went Cold,” she says without preamble. Talking to a best friend is different than talking to a parent or sibling. There's a level of honesty she could only have with Pauline. 

“What happened? No, I know what happened. You drank blood, obviously. How'd you even get blood? Did you manage to slip your chains?”

“No. I just.....couldn't cut it, I guess,” Tana sighs. 

“Detoxing is hard,” Pauline agrees. “So what are you going to do now?” 

Tana hasn't thought that far ahead. The future has always seemed like something that would never happen. College seemed like something that would never happen. But if Tana hadn't gone to the party and she'd entered senior year she'd be scrambling to make sure all her graduation requirements were set and trying to figure out what she wanted to do with her life aside from a vague notion of getting a boring job and goofing off with her best friend. 

“I guess vampire stuff,” Tana says. It suddenly occurs to her that she has no idea what she's going to do.

“So you know that being a vampire doesn't mean you get out of being my best friend, right?” Pauline says. “It's too late for me to find a new best friend so I guess you're struck with me.” Tana is suddenly so stupidly grateful that she can't speak. She just makes a choked sound. “Thanks.”

“I love you,” Pauline tells her. “And you suddenly wanting to drink blood isn't going to change that.” 

Desensitization

Gavriel takes Tana out so she can get used to being a vampire. Part of her wants to stay locked up inside the house like Rapunzel, but she knows she can't hide away forever. She has to get used to the new her. Besides, she feels kind of bad having Gavriel fetch her blood. She's read in books about how people notice certain things like pregnant women when they want a baby or braces when they get braces. Obviously, Tana has never really paid attention to people's blood before, but it's the only thing she notices now. She can hear the blood under the skin. Human skin is so weak. Tana remembers how easily the blood had spurted out when her mom attacked her. She remembers how easily people can bleed. She smells the sweat in the air. She sees all the skin people have exposed, how they leave their shoulders bare, how they tilt their heads back exposing their necks. It would be so easy to sink her fangs into them and....Tana is moving forward, but a hand on her waist stops her. She snarls. She wants the blood. She could taste the blood. She wants to feel it pouring down her throat and-her classmates bodies flash across her mind. 

Tana shudders. Gavriel's hand tightens around her waist. “I've got you,” he promises. Tana tries to focus. “Talk to me,” she requests. 

“It was harder finding meals when I was turned,” Gavriel says. Tana looks around at all of the people. 

“Yeah, it must have been really hard luring victims into alleyways.”

“And finding people who wouldn't be missed and disposing of the bodies.” Tana should feel horrified by that, but she doesn't. She can still smell the blood and her muscles still feel like they're cramping. She's never realized how wanting something can feel like a physical ache. Gavriel guides her to a girl with tubes sticking out of her. She twists a knob and then blood spurts out. Tana feels slightly ridiculous at getting blood this way, but the thought of killing someone makes her dry heave and she really doesn't want to turn anyone into a vampire. The blood slides down her throat and Tana shudders in bliss. But she still wants more. Her body feels empty. What she really wants is to sink her fangs into soft flesh. 

Gavriel is looking at her. His gaze is hungry. Tana feels heat curl in her belly. She steps forward and presses herself into Gavriel. Then she bites. Pleasure fills her and she presses herself even closer. Drinking vampire blood must be like drinking wine of the gods. It was like drinking the magical elixirs in the stories. Gavriel's hand is twining around Tana's hair and yanking her head back. It stings a bit, but it feels so good. Then Gavriel's fangs are at Tana's throat and she can only moan. Gavriel pulls back. His eyes are slightly glazed, but his smile is wicked. Tana feels an answering smile on her face.  
“You know, there are other places for vampires to bite beside the neck,” he says and Tana raises an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Show me.” 

Later that night, Tana lays in Gavriel's arms. She probably should feel guilt over sleeping with a monster and guilt for not feeling guilt, but it's hard to feel anything but sated. She had know idea her thighs could be that sensitive. But just Gavriel's touch had made her shudder and then he'd sunk his fangs into her thighs. She shivers pleasantly at the memory.

“Are you okay?” Gavriel murmurs and Tana nods. 

“I'm fine,” she replies. “Are you okay? I mean-” 

“I'd forgotten it could be like that,” Gavriel's voice is soft and almost wondering. A mischievous idea flits into Tana's head. “I think you're rusty,” she teases. “You said you could make girls scream. I don't recall screaming.”  
“I don't remember saying any such thing.” But Gavriel's eyes gleam.

“Well, maybe not in those exact words, but I do remember something about cries of love.” Gavriel rolls so that Tana is pinned beneath him and she laughs.

They keep going out. It becomes a routine. Slowly, Tana is able to focus if a human speaks to her, instead of just fantasizing about their blood. It almost reminds her about the first few months when she goes back to school and she's gotten used to waking up early and doing homework instead of thinking that she can go to bed at two in the morning. Gavriel tells her she's adjusting well. He chalks it up to being young and adaptable, but in the back of her head Tana wonders if she was always meant to be a monster. The thought isn't as disturbing as it should be.

Domesticity 

Tana can feel herself becoming domestic and settling down. The thing is, domestic means something different in Coldtown. She stares at the decapitated vampire head Gavriel has dropped in front of her with a flourish. It's pretty telling that her only reaction is to stare and give Gavriel a what the hell look. “I'm pretty sure you're aware that girls like flowers and jewelry,” she says. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“I thought you might like it.” Gavriel's gaze is unrepentant. 

Tana just stares. Her cat had brought her numerous dead birds and mice and Tana had never known what to do with them. What made her cat think she wanted a dead animal? Tana's eyes widen. “Oh my god. You're a cat. You're a freaking cat.” She supposes it could have been worse. She forgets sometimes that Gavriel's morality is kind of warped. He did think that killing everyone in the world was a romantic gesture. To be fair, he seemed to realize it wasn't. By his standards, this was kind of tame. But still, Tana probably should protest being given decapitated heads as a present.

“Look, you can't just go killing vampires.” Gavriel levels Tana with an unimpressed look. “I mean, you can, but if you're going to be ripping heads off at least do it to the vampires who want to enslave the human race or lock people in cages. And maybe I'd like to rip off their heads myself.”

Tana remembers that Gavriel had told her they'd hunt vampires and drink their blood. She reminds him of that promise. Gavriel nods and says they'll begin hunting soon. Meanwhile Tana is wondering if etiquette dictates that she should rip a vampire's head off and give it to Gavriel. 

Vampire hunting is such an adrenaline rush. Tana can see what Gavriel means about the clarity of thought danger provides. The only thing she can think about is dodging a blow. She doesn't have time or room in her head to worry about how she's becoming a monster when she stabs a stake into a vampire's heart and tears off his head. She presents the head to Gavriel who laughs wildly and presses Tana against the alley wall.

There's no shortage of vampires to hunt in Coldtown. Tana understands that the vampires want to live, but she sees how some of them get off on terrorizing others, on being cruel, and and she won't stand for that. There's a difference between wanting to survive and what Lucien and other vampires did. But slowly the glamour begins to wear off. Tana knows that people don't leave Coldtown, that it's a deadly tourist trap. But there was still something about it that had sucked her in. 

Gavriel looks up from a paper he's reading. “Something the matter?” he asks.

“Just bored,” Tana replies.

“Of Coldtown or bored in the general sense?” Gavriel asks. 

“The first one,” Tana replies. She figures if she gets bored she'll take up a hobby that causes less trouble than changing look alikes of a person's dead brother. 

“I have to admit, Coldtown has lost its appeal.” Gavriel beckons Tana over. She leans her chin on his shoulder and looks at the paper. It's a report, but it's written in a language Tana can't read. “What's that?” she asks. 

“Reports about disturbances and rumors about an uprising. I was going to have one of the Corps investigate, but if you're bored of Coldtown....

“This has got to be the most messed up vacation suggestion I've ever heard.” A grin unfurls across Tana's face. “I'm in.” Gavriel's grin is savage and promises many things. Tana laughs and moves so she can sit in Gavriel's lap. She might be a monster, but she's finally at peace with it.


End file.
